Chapter 226 — The Crossroads
Purple Streets of Chang'an · Page 1 of 4
Was it hard?
It was hard.
But what was such hardship compared to the agony of being estranged from one's own flesh and blood?
As Dou Yan recalled the countless scenes of her past life, a flicker of bewilderment crossed her eyes—yet what lay beneath it was mostly bitterness.
After this parting, she and Song Yan might never have the chance to meet again.
Some things were better spoken plainly.
She did not wish to leave Song Yan with regret or pain.
Just as she herself had once suffered—separated from her mother by life and death, with no way to learn the truth of those years, she had found herself endlessly speculating about her mother's death, endlessly wondering whether it had anything to do with her. If she let Song Yan leave like this, then in all the years to come, whenever he thought of this matter, he would surely brood over the cause and effect, just as she once had.
She asked Song Yan, "You began training in the martial arts as a small child—did you find it hard?"
Song Yan was a little surprised. He thought it over, then answered with utter sincerity, "I never found it hard."
"But we watched you train through the coldest days of winter and the hottest days of summer, and to us it looked hard." Dou Yan pressed on. "Why did you not find it hard?"
Song Yan pondered. "Perhaps because I believed that 'a foot of toil, a foot of harvest'—so I did not find it hard."
"You began managing Yizhi Hall at a tender age—did you find that hard?"
Song Dan said, "I am the heir of the Yingguo Estate. Managing Yizhi Hall is my duty by right. How could I find it hard?"
Dou Yan said, "Then when you fell out with your esteemed father and yet got the better of him at every turn, you must have felt rather proud of yourself?"
Song Chu was stunned.
Without waiting for his answer, Dou Yan went on, "I have heard from Old Chen that ever since the Lord Defender of the Realm confined the Second Young Master to the upper rooms to study, you have rarely seen him. In your heart—is it hard?"
Song Yan's eyes widened. He seemed lost in thought, and dimly began to grasp what was in her mind.
"That is why I do not find it hard to manage the household." Dou Xin looked at him. "When water comes, earth dams it; when soldiers come, generals meet them. It is all just these same matters, coming and going. Even if a mistake is made, one simply finds a way to remedy it. There is no hardship in playing the game of balance with the people of the Eastern Estate. They are my blood kin—and am I not their blood kin as well? If they honor me by a zhang, I will honor them by three chi. Even if they wrong me, it is but a moment's grief, and the fault lies in my own poor judgment of people." She turned her head and gazed at the dappled shadows of the trees upon the ground. Softly she said, "When I was small, I always felt I had no father, no mother, no brothers or sisters—lonely and desolate. When I grew up, I desperately wished for someone to keep me company, desperately wished that person would treat me kindly even after everyone else had abandoned me. So though I knew clearly that he had this flaw and that, I was still willing to go on with him." Here she smiled faintly at Song Yan. "Besides, I am not without flaws myself. I endure others—and perhaps others endure me. But having someone by one's side is always better than being all alone, is it not?"
She must be speaking of Wei Fan.
Beneath the moonlight, her smile seemed so pale and fragile that it was like a pair of hands clutching tightly at Song Yan's heart, leaving him short of breath.