Chapter 207 — Sickly Green
Purple Streets of Chang'an · Page 3 of 4
Song Yan fell silent for a long while, dejected, then said in a low voice, "If you do not marry out, that silver will have to be managed by the East Dou. It will certainly draw the covetous eyes of the rest of the Dou family. Even if you stay in the house, I fear your days ahead will hardly be peaceful. And what your honored father thinks... the old gentleman may not be willing to watch you grow old alone. If he insists that you take a husband into the house, what will you do? Even if you take a husband who is honest and willing to live quietly with you, your father is in the prime of life—if he should beget an heir, what will you do? And if your father and your uncle both pass away, and your younger brother joins hands with the East Dou to divide the property with you anew, even to the point of dragging you into court—what will you do then?"
A live-in son-in-law was barred from the imperial examinations, which meant that when the time came, Dou Yan would have no support from the court.
Even thinking about it, he could see Dou Zhiwei's road ahead strewn with thorns.
Dou Yan was hardly unaware of all this!
But surely she could not sit and wait for death simply because the future was hard?
Yet compared with these difficulties she might one day face, the known bitterness of marriage was something she shrank from beyond all avoidance.
Perhaps that was simply life.
There was never a time when everything was perfect.
You could only choose from among them the suffering you thought you could endure!
Each occupied with their own thoughts, the two fell into silence, and for a time the room was still.
It was not until the sounds of the early-rising maids and serving women stirring outside that they realized with a start that day had already broken.
Song Yan said, "What I have spoken of, you would do well to consider carefully."
His expression was grave and earnest, and it was plain to see that he had thought it over deeply, which left Dou Yan no choice but to treat it with the utmost seriousness.
Never mind that she already had a plan for dealing with the Dou and Ji families. Even if she had not, to cover one lie with another would only make matters worse and worse, until at last they could not be contained at all.
She said, with restraint, "This matter—best let me settle it myself!"
"But..." Song Yan still tried to persuade Dou Yan, though Dou Yan felt that arguing over something that had not yet happened could never yield right or wrong, nor any conclusion; better to stop there. Better to let him give up hope.
She gritted her teeth in secret and said, tersely, "Young Marquis, it is impossible that I should marry you!"
"How is it impossible..." Song Yan had not finished his sentence before his expression changed drastically.
Quite right.
His own marriage was not his to decide.
What right had he to speak so grandly before Dou Yan?
His face went deathly pale in an instant, and a trace of shame showed in his eyes.
"I—I am sorry!" For the first time Song Yan apologized to another for failing to keep his promise, and to Dou Yan of all people, whom he had always held in such esteem—which left him feeling he had no place to hide. "I took the matter too simply."
Dou Yan at once regretted having spoken so bluntly.
"It is nothing, nothing," she said hurriedly. "I only feel..." Feel what? She must find some way of saying it that would not wound Song Yan so! What way could spare him hurt? The truth, of course... Dou Yan hesitated a moment, then made up her mind. "That you wish to marry me—I am deeply grateful. Only, with this having happened, I have decided not to marry at all!"
Was it that she did not wish to marry him? Or that she did not wish to marry anyone?
The young Song Yan was at this moment sensitive to the extreme.