Chapter 207 — Sickly Green

Song Yan fell silent for a long while, dejected, then said in a low voice, "If you do not marry out, that silver will have to be managed by the East Dou. It will certainly draw the covetous eyes of the rest of the Dou family. Even if you stay in the house, I fear your days ahead will hardly be peaceful. And what your honored father thinks... the old gentleman may not be willing to watch you grow old alone. If he insists that you take a husband into the house, what will you do? Even if you take a husband who is honest and willing to live quietly with you, your father is in the prime of life—if he should beget an heir, what will you do? And if your father and your uncle both pass away, and your younger brother joins hands with the East Dou to divide the property with you anew, even to the point of dragging you into court—what will you do then?"

A live-in son-in-law was barred from the imperial examinations, which meant that when the time came, Dou Yan would have no support from the court.

Even thinking about it, he could see Dou Zhiwei's road ahead strewn with thorns.

Dou Yan was hardly unaware of all this!

But surely she could not sit and wait for death simply because the future was hard?

Yet compared with these difficulties she might one day face, the known bitterness of marriage was something she shrank from beyond all avoidance.

Perhaps that was simply life.

There was never a time when everything was perfect.

You could only choose from among them the suffering you thought you could endure!

Each occupied with their own thoughts, the two fell into silence, and for a time the room was still.

It was not until the sounds of the early-rising maids and serving women stirring outside that they realized with a start that day had already broken.

Song Yan said, "What I have spoken of, you would do well to consider carefully."

His expression was grave and earnest, and it was plain to see that he had thought it over deeply, which left Dou Yan no choice but to treat it with the utmost seriousness.

Never mind that she already had a plan for dealing with the Dou and Ji families. Even if she had not, to cover one lie with another would only make matters worse and worse, until at last they could not be contained at all.

She said, with restraint, "This matter—best let me settle it myself!"

"But..." Song Yan still tried to persuade Dou Yan, though Dou Yan felt that arguing over something that had not yet happened could never yield right or wrong, nor any conclusion; better to stop there. Better to let him give up hope.

She gritted her teeth in secret and said, tersely, "Young Marquis, it is impossible that I should marry you!"

"How is it impossible..." Song Yan had not finished his sentence before his expression changed drastically.

Quite right.

His own marriage was not his to decide.

What right had he to speak so grandly before Dou Yan?

His face went deathly pale in an instant, and a trace of shame showed in his eyes.

"I—I am sorry!" For the first time Song Yan apologized to another for failing to keep his promise, and to Dou Yan of all people, whom he had always held in such esteem—which left him feeling he had no place to hide. "I took the matter too simply."

Dou Yan at once regretted having spoken so bluntly.

"It is nothing, nothing," she said hurriedly. "I only feel..." Feel what? She must find some way of saying it that would not wound Song Yan so! What way could spare him hurt? The truth, of course... Dou Yan hesitated a moment, then made up her mind. "That you wish to marry me—I am deeply grateful. Only, with this having happened, I have decided not to marry at all!"

Was it that she did not wish to marry him? Or that she did not wish to marry anyone?

The young Song Yan was at this moment sensitive to the extreme.

He turned it over and over in his mind, and for the first time in his life did not dare ask outright; he could only give a slight nod and say lightly, with a smile, "I understand"—yet he could not hide the defeat written all over his face.

Dou Yan's heart ached to see it, and she could not help explaining, "Once a woman marries, she must not only serve her husband and keep his concubines in order, but raise and teach the children as well—and in such things, diligence is by no means always rewarded as it deserves. I truly have no confidence I could do it well, and so I would rather flee from it and shirk my duty, selfishly. When the Seventh Madam arranged for Sister Ming to marry into the Wei family, I had long since noticed—I merely let the current carry the boat, seizing the chance to decline marriage with perfect justification. It is not that I do not wish to marry you!"

Was that true?

Song Yan was deeply doubtful.

Whenever he wished to be rid of someone, he would always first soothe them with gentle words.

"I understand!" A sudden desolation came over him, and an uncontrollable sorrow welled up from the depths of his heart. "Then—if there is anything, just tell me. I know the capital better than you do, and can get about more easily than you..." Gazing at the window lattice, which was gradually taking on a white gleam, he rose with a cold, distant expression and took his leave.

Dou Yan seemed once more to see the Embroidered Uniform Guard Chief Commissioner who held the world at arm's length.

Yet watching Song Yan's ramrod-straight back, which somehow made her feel how fragile he was, she steeled her heart and said nothing.

Song Yan, one foot already on the steps, could not help turning back.

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Resting tomorrow, double update, but I am a bit stuck. It is not that I do not know what to write next, but that I do not know from which angle to write it so that this story will seem more exciting and more gripping. The update times may be a little irregular—read in the evening, everyone; I expect you will be able to read two chapters at once.

o(n_n)o~

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